片名：蠢蛋进化论
21世纪初…… [Man Narrating] As the 21 st century began...
人类进化正处于一个转折点 human evolution was at a turning point.
物竞天择的过程 即 最强壮的 最聪明的…… Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest...
最快的物种通过大量繁殖 在数量上超越其它物种…… the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest...
这个过程曾经一度成就了 人类最伟大的功勋…… a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man...
而现在却趋向于不同方面了 now began to favor different traits.
乔许·哈奈特一案…… [Reporter] TheJoey Buttafuoco case...
当今的很多科学小说都预测 未来是个更文明的…… Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized...
并且更智能的社会 and more intelligent.
但随着时光的推移 潜移默化中 But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction.
事情朝着反的方向发展 A dumbing down.
为什么会是这样？ How did this happen?
进化并不一定能提高人的智慧 Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence.
没有了弱肉强食 With no natural predators to thin the herd...
人繁殖得越来越多 it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most...
高智慧的人却面临绝迹 （案例分析：特雷弗和卡洛尔比照克莱文） and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.
要个孩子是个很重要的决定 Having kids is such an important decision.
我们只是在等待合适的时机 We're just waiting for the right time.
很明显 那不是一件令人 特别期待的事 It's not something you want to rush into, obviously.
绝对不是 No way.
哦 该死 我又有了！ Oh, shit, I'm pregnant againl
妈的！ 我的孩子还真他妈的多！ Shit! I got too many damn kids!
- 我以为你吃过药了或他妈的别的什么东西 - 见鬼 没有啊！ - I thought you was on the pill or some shit! - Hell, no!
妈的！我一定是当成布列塔尼了 Shit! I must've been thinkir of Brittany.
布列塔尼？不 你竟然！ Brittany? No, you didn't!
- 我们绝不要孩子 - 啧啧 - There's no way we could have a child now. - Mm-mm.
不能随大流啊 不能 Not with the market the way it is, no.
老天 不 那样做没有一点意义 God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense.
到这儿来 婊子！ 他一点也不在乎你！ Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you!
是吗？好啊 那这儿总有啥 他喜欢的吧 Yeah? Well, there must be somethir he likes over here.
- 她对我来说啥也不是 宝贝儿！ - 克莱文！ - She don't mean nothir to me, baby! - Clevon!
哦 妈的！妈的！ 不是我干的！不是我干的！ Oh, shit. It wasrt me! It wasrt me!
哇哦 我们终于决定还是要个 孩子…… Well, we finally decided to have children...
我不是在指责什么 但是进行的并不太顺利 and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well.
但是这样也有益 And this is helping.
我只是说在我用试管生育之前 你是不是也得做点什么…… I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to...
总是我的错 对吗？ It's always me, right?
哇哦 我又没有精子 Well, it's not my sperm count.
耶！耶！ 我要把你们都干了！ Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all!
那是我儿子！ That's my boy!
哇嗷！哇嗷！ Whoo! Whoo!
克莱文很幸运的活下来了 Clevon is lucky to be alive.
他曾试着跳到 一架从湖面开进…… He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake...
泳池的喷气机上 但铁门撞上了他的胯下 into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.
不过好在当今医学对于干细胞 的先进研究…… But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research...
并通过库尼斯基还有 阿修勒医生的精心努力…… and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler...
克莱文将恢复他所有的生殖能力. Clevon should regain full reproductive function.
别碰我的老二 Get your hands off my junk!
很不幸 特雷弗 死于了心脏病…… Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack...
在他手淫为了…… while masturbating...
得到人工授精所需的精子时 to produce sperm for artificial insemination.
但我已经存好了卵子…… But I have some eggs frozen...
所以 只要合适的人一出现 你知道…… so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know...
[Clevon Shouting]
进化就这样一代代的进行下去…… [Narrator] And so it went for generations...
尽管不多 但长此以往 也引人注意 although few, if any, seemed to notice.
但是在2005年 就在离华府不远 的一个军事基地里的…… But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D. C...
一个不为人知的军事图书中…… a simple army librarian was unknowingly...
正酝酿着一个将要改变 人类历史进程的计划 about to change the entire course ofhuman history.
快点 混蛋！带他到监狱！ Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail!
嗨 鲍沃斯 Hey, Bauers.
这是彼得森 你的接班人 This is Peterson, your new replacement.
- 我的啥？我被人替了？ - 是啊 他们没告诉你吗？ - My what? I'm gettir replaced? - Yeah, they didn't tell you?
- 没 - 有个新任务 - No. - Some new assignment.
让他们一天神秘兮兮 忙来忙去的 They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.
我可不想做什么新任务 我告诉过梅斯勒长官很多次了 I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.
- 我对这个很在行 - 在行什么？撅着屁股坐着？ - I'm good at this. - Good at what? Sittir on ass?
这儿根本就没人来 No one ever comes in here.
是 这我知道 但这样很合适我 没有人来打扰我 我爱干啥就干啥 Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
如果我能在这儿继续待个8年 我就可以拿我的养老金了 If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension.
我都计划好了 你能帮我一把吗？ I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?
不行 这次不行 上面直接来的命令 No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.
上帝 我真不明白 为啥是我？ Jesus. I don't understand. Why me?
每次梅斯勒说 “前进 跟着 或是闪开 ”我都闪开 Every time Metsler says, " Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
他那么说的时候 不一定 意味着你就要“闪开” When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way."
也许他说闪开 是为了不让你难看 It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.
我不觉的难看 That doesn't embarrass me.
听着 乔 你没的选择 Look, Joe. You don't have a choice.
你只能服从 You're just gonna have to follow.
就像 跟着我上楼 就像 现在 Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.
现在？不用我教教这个家伙？ Right now? Shouldrt I train this guy?
我想他会知道怎么天天撅着屁股 看电视的 赶紧走 I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.
先生们 来认识一下乔·鲍沃斯…… [Man] Gentlemen, meetJoe Bauers...
我们“人类冬眠计划” 的第一个实验对象 our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment.
如今 正如你们所知 一年到头的时间里…… Now, as you know, throughout the years...
我们许多的优秀飞行员 士兵和军事领导者…… many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders...
都白白的度过了他们的军旅生涯 而没有碰到过一场战争 often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle.
通过这次的“人类冬眠计划” 我们就能保存我们最好的精英分子…… With the Human Hibernation Rroject, we will be able to save our best men...
在他们正值青春的时期来进行冷冻 在最需要他们的时候来用 frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most.
这里 乔 并不是我们的精英 Joe, here, is not one of our best men.
鲍沃斯先生被选主要是因 为他普通的不能再普通了 Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.
在每个科目上都极度的平均 真的也挺引人注意的 Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly.
是我们整个部队里最普通的一个人 The most average person in our entire armed forces.
另外 他没有家庭 没有结婚…… Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried...
是个独生子 而且父母双亡…… is an only child, and both parents are deceased...
这些使他成为我们最合适的候选人 而且也不会有人不停的问我们一些…… making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions...
如果实验不成功会有什么后果 的讨厌问题 should something go wrong with the experiment.
但在我们的部别里找女性研究对象 就没有那么幸运了…… We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks...
所以我们不得不把视线 转向私营部门 and were forced to look into the private sector.
这是丽塔 和乔一样 她也没有直接的家庭关系 This is Rita. LikeJoe, she has no immediate family.
丽塔已经同意加入此次实验…… Rita agreed to participate in this experiment...
用以交换一些对她的小小指控 和一些罚款 in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee.
不过 当然我们还要和她的 老板商量一下…… We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp...
一个名叫阿普格瑞德的人 是这么拼写的…… a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly...
用他的话说 这两个“D” 意味着他非常的屌 With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping.
阿普格瑞德同意把 丽塔借我们一年…… Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year...
并会守口如瓶 而折旧费就是…… and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways...
当地政府对他所从事的色情活动 网开一面 with the local authorities in running his pimp game.
然而 一开始 要的到他的 信任是件很困难的事 First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.
柯林斯 请你跳过技术这节 好吗？ Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?
马上 让我说完这段 Sure. Let me just finish here.
你们要知道 一个皮条客的爱好 和正经人的爱好完全不同 You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.
柯林斯！ Collins!
好吧 我们继续 Fine. We'll move on.
然而 那可是个神奇的世界 It is a fascinating world though.
上帝啊 柯林斯 Jesus, Collins.
哦 呵 那是…… Yeah, that's... [Clears Throat]
总之 这两个实验对象…… Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects...
将被放进一个冷干机里…… are to be placed into a dry freeze...
整整一年 从明天开始 for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow.
正如你们所知 这是高度机密 As you know, this is highly classified.
然而 如果成功 我们确信 人类将有能力无限保存 However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.
这真有点疯狂 啊？ So this is kinda crazy, huh?
- 你是哪个部门的？ - 哦 我不在这个营区工作 - What unit are you with? - Oh, I ain't in the service.
哦 老百姓 好吧 Oh, private sector. Okay.
- 那么 啊 你是做什么的？ - 做点这 做点那 - So, uh, what do you do? - A little of this, a little of that.
哇哦 那很好啊 Wow, that's great.
你知道吗 我真的很羡慕人们 能像你那样生活…… You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way...
做点这做点那 doing a little of this and a little of that.
我 啊 过去有个邻居叫基恩 他以前是做链条雕塑的…… I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures...
并把他的作品拿到跳蚤市场上销售 and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market.
是啊 Yeah.
那么 啊 你是艺术家还是什么？ So, uh, you an artist or somethir?
- 啊 是啊 - 你画画还是…… - Uh, yeah. - You do paintings or...
- 是的 我画画 - 不错 很好 - Yeah, paintings. - Okay, great.
- 嗯－哼 - 你主要画什么？ - Mm-hmm. - What do you paint mostly?
我不知道 就是…… 人和水果还有些杂七杂八的东西 I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit.
哇 真好 能靠你的爱好 维生真是很好啊 Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.
是啊 不过也不是像你想的那么好 [Scoffs] Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
谁先来？ - [Door Opens] - [Collins] Who wants to go first?
我 Me.
- 这他妈…… 哦 见鬼 不 啊 - [Machinery Whirring] - What the f... Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.
嘿 不 你也许不应该碰那个 连接器和别的东西 Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V. S attached and all.
- 怎么了？ - 阿普格瑞德可没有告诉我... - What's the matter? - Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me...
他们要把我装进这个该死的插着 管子和破烂儿的铁柜子 in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!
哦 不 不要担心那个 那个很安全 相信我 Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me.
阿普格瑞德是谁？ Who's Upgrayedd?
他是我男友 He's my boyfriend.
伙计 你怎么知道这个是安全的？ Man, how do you know this shit's safe?
这些人知道自己是干啥的 别担心 These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry.
他们用这个给狗还有很多东西 做过实验 They've tested it on dogs and everything.
接下来的是 药物将发挥作用 我们会慢慢睡去…… What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep...
等我们一年后醒来 你就可以继续画画了 we wake up in a year, you'll be paintir again.
- 一切都会很好的 - 好吧 - It'll be fine. - All right.
阿普格瑞德 这名字很有趣 他是荷兰人吗？ Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch?
瞧 因为我认识一个 啊 荷兰来的交流学生 See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student.
他叫乌格瑞德 His name was Untgrad.
好了 我的朋友 我们开始吧 Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here.
来吧 躺平 放松 Just go ahead and lie down. Relax.
[Equipment Beeping]
一年后见 See you in a year.
“人类冬眠计划”…… [Narrator] The Human Hibernation Rroject...
是军队中最具野心的一项实验…… was one of the army's most ambitious experiments...
也是最保密的一项实验 and one of its most secretive.
但它并没有对人们所犯的错误免疫 But it was not immune from human error.
别动！ Freeze!
[Groans]
在柯林斯被捕没多久 大量的丑闻接踵而至…… Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed...
这个基地被关闭了 the base was closed.
过了还不到一年的时间 这个计划就被人忘记了 It hadrt even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten.
这对于乔来说似乎很凄惨 但人类的命运却更加糟糕 Things looked bleak forJoe, but they were even worse for mankind.
就在乔和丽塔蛰伏的期间 时间年复一年的过去了…… As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed...
其间 人类的智商 开始以惊人的速度下降 and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate.
一些人对“基因工程” 还报有很高的期望…… Some had high hopes that genetic engineering...
希望能借此扭转进化的趋势 would correct this trend in evolution.
但不幸的是 最好的智慧还有资源…… But sadly, the greatest minds and resources...
被集中用来攻克脱发和增强性功能 were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.
[Orangutan Chattering]
与此同时 人口暴增 而智商继续下降…… Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline...
直到人类都甚至无法 解决最基本的生活问题 until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems.
比如垃圾 即使已经堆积了成百上千年 也无论如何都没法解决…… Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever...
结果导致了在2505年的 “垃圾大山崩”…… leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505...
这次事件的发生 将这个世界永远的改变了 which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever.
[Backup Warning Beeping]
- 等着 - 接下来 在犯罪频道播出的是…… - Hold on. - [Man On TV] Next, on The Violence Channel...
一部新剧《啊！我的睾丸！》 an all-new Owl My Ballsl
[Screaming]
- 不错 - All right. [Chuckling] - [Beeping]
- [Snarling] - [Screaming]
[Chuckling]
[Groans]
这伙计的蛋被搞了 [Man Watching TV] That guy got hit in the balls.
噢 我的蛋蛋 Ow, my balls!
- [Groans] - [Man On TV Screaming]
哈啊？ Huh?
[Groaning]
- [TV: Tires Squealing, Man Screaming] - [Man Watching TVLaughs]
- 这是…… - 等等 闭嘴！ - [Joe] Where's... - Hold on. Shut up!
[Man Laughing]
[Tires Squealing]
- 柯林斯官员在哪？ - 闭嘴！ - Where's Officer Collins? - Shut up!
下周的《喔！我的睾丸！》中 荷美尔会去巴黎！ [Man On TV] Next week on Ow! My Balls! Hormel goes to Rarisl
- 我们在基地吗？ - 我要用拳头在你的屁股上打出个基地 - Are we on base? - I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.
再打你的脸 混蛋！闭嘴 In your face, ass! Shut up.
我很抱歉 只是……我在哪？ I'm sorry. It's just... Where am I?
闭上嘴！我说过了！ Shut up! I told you already!
[Flushes]
耶啊！看你还不闭嘴！ Yeah! Wouldrt shut up!
到我这儿你还敢不闭嘴！ Come in here and not shut up.
是 你就像是在说 “我就是不闭嘴” 那我就要…… Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttirup,"and I was like...
不知道自己身处何年…… [Narrator] Unaware of what year it was...
乔迷茫在街头 不顾一切的寻求帮助 joe wandered the streets, desperate for help.
但是英语已经退化到了…… But the English language had deteriorated...
一种由乡村方言 山谷方言 城中俚语 和乱七八糟的声音融合到一起的大杂烩了 into a hybrid ofhillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts.
乔可以明白他们说什么…… - Joe was able to understand them... - [Indistinct]
但当他一开口…… But when he spoke in an ordinary voice...
他说的话在别人听起来却 是很一种让人厌恶的娘娘腔 he sounded pompous and faggy to them.
号码…… [Man On R.A.] Raging Doc... [Slurring]
到……找.. 啊…… Report to, uh...
卢布医生…… Dr. Lueboo...
报告 uh, report.
地板…… 地板打扫完毕 - Your floor... Your floor is now clean. - [Beeping]
地板……地板打扫完毕 Your floor... Your floor is now clean.
嗨 啊 我刚做完一项部队里的实验 并且感觉不太好 Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well.
我觉得可能是他们给我吃的药的缘故 I think it might have been the drugs they had me on.
我老是产生幻觉 I've been hallucinating.
我的头疼得要死 My head is just killirme.
我的 我的 我的关节 都痛得不行 而且我…… My-My-My joints are all achy and l...
这是医院吗？还是…… Is this a hospital or...
实际上 我连我在哪儿都不知道 - Actually, I don't even know where I am. - [Beeps]
请到右边的诊断区排队…… [Electronic Voice] Rlease proceed to the diagnostic area on the right...
- 祝你健康 - 哦 谢了 - and have a healthy dayl - Oh. Thanks.
谢谢你 Thank youl
布兰多牌口渴终结者
啊 打扰一下 我觉得这是 佳得乐还是什么的 Uh, 'scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethir.
- 我只是想找点清水 - 清水？ - I was just looking for some regular water. - Water?
- 是的 - 你是说冲马桶用的水？你要干啥？ - Yeah. - You mean like in the toilet? What for?
你瞧 我只是想喝点水 You know, just to drink.
[Laughing]
[Continues Laughing]
你得肝炎了！ - ##[Electronic Tune] - [Electronic Voice] You've got hepatitisl
噢 还有人不舒服吗？ Oh, is someone not feeling well?
你的疾病对我们很重要 Your illness is very important to us.
－下一个 －欢迎使用健康大师信息系统 - [Man] Next. - [Electronic Voice] Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno...
- 乔米科技提供赞助 - 啊 把这放到你嘴里 - powered byJormi Technology. - Uh, this goes in your mouth.
这个放到你的耳朵里 而这个放进你的屁股里 This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt.
快点 Come on.
- 快点 混蛋 - 快点 - Hurry up, assholel - Come onl
- 妈的 等等 - [Beeping] - Shit. Hang on a second.
这个……不 This one... No.
- 嘿 快点 - 啊…… - Hey, come on. - Uh...
- 快点！ - 这个 这个放到嘴里 - Hurry up! - This one. This one goes in your mouth.
快点！ Come on!
谢谢等候 雷克萨斯医生会马上来照顾你 [Electronic Voice] Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.
错的太离谱了 That's a weird misprint.
嘿 感觉怎么样 哦？ Hey. How's it hang, ese?
是的 对 不是很好啊 Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know.
我真的不知道怎么了 但我总能看到一些东西 I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seeir things.
我觉得这有可能是 部队给我药物的作用 I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on.
但是 如果可以的话 请 把我治好 让我回基地去…… But, if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base...
好吧 混蛋 Right. Kick ass.
瞧 尽管你说的话不像个 蠢货或什么…… Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothir...
但是 啊 表格上说你真的很操蛋 but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up.
说你是个同性恋 你的话都是在放屁 You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.
我要做的就是 就是 你知道…… What I'd do is just like, like, you know...
就是 你懂我的意思吗？就是…… like, you know what I mean? Like... [Chuckles]
- 不 我可是认真的 - 别担心 蠢货 - No, I'm serious here. - [Chuckles] Don't worry, scrot.
现在这里到处都是蠢货 过着狗屁的日子 Now there are plenty of'tards out there living really kick-ass lives.
我的第一个老婆就是个大蠢货 她现在成了飞行员 My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.
我需要你认真一些 好吗？ 我需要帮助 I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help.
这就是我们为啥说你是个 娘娘腔同性恋的蠢货了 There's that fag talk we talked about.
好吧 那就要……花些钱了 All right, so that'll be... this many dollars.
你要做的就是到前面 然后 把你身上的代码他妈的扫描到这里 And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit.
真奇怪 这和杂志上的错一模一样 That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine.
- 怎么会这样…… - 你的代码呢？代码？ - What are the odds of... - Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?
为什么你没有这个？ Why don't you have this?
哦 天啊 Oh, God.
- 你的代码呢？ - 哦 天啊 - Where's your tattoo? - Oh, my God.
你怎么会没有代码？ Why come you don't have a tattoo?
- 哦 天啊！ - 你不能被扫描 是不是？ - [Joe] Oh, my Godl - You're not unscannable, are you?
哦 天啊！ Oh, my God!
- 你没有注册！ - You're unscannable. - [Alarm Wailing]
- 非法入境者！ - 不！不 你不明白！ - Unscannable! - No! No, you don't understand!
你要带我去部队 找个人谈谈才行 You gotta let me talk to someone in the armyl Wait a second.
他们都死了 我认识的人都死了！ They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead!
噢 天啊！噢！ Oh, my God! Oh!
- [Screaming] - [Screaming]
- 不！停下！冷静！ - 冷静！冷静！ - No! Stop! Calm down! - Calm down! Calm down!
- 怎么会这样？ - 为啥是这样？ - How'd this happen? - How did it happen?
地板清理完毕 - [Alarm Continues] - Your floor is now clean.
地板清理完毕 Your floor is now clean.
如果你不抽特里林顿牌香烟 操你！
乔终于意识到了世界的危机 [Narrator] Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.
经济发展已经完全被忽略了 The economy was in a state of deep neglect.
沙尘暴影响了食物的供给 A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies.
而国内排名第一的电影叫作《屁股》 And the number one movie in the country was called Ass.
[All Laughing]
这就是这部90分钟电影的全部内容 And that's all it was for 90 minutes.
[Movie: Farting]
这部电影当时赢得了8项奥斯卡 其中包括了最佳剧本奖 It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.
请尽情享用“超大屁股油炸食品” [Electronic Voice] Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.
你没有给我什么吃的 你给了我个空盒 You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box.
你还想再要一份 “超大屁股油炸食品”吗？ Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries?
我说了 我什么都没得到 I said I didn't get any.
谢谢 你的户头已被记账 [Electronic Voice] Thank you. Your account has been charged.
你的余额为零 Your balance is zero.
- 啥？噢 不 不！ - 请你在有钱的时候再来消费 - What? Oh, no. No! - Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.
抱歉 你有麻烦了 - [Beeping] - I'm sorry you're having trouble.
- 快点！我的孩子正挨饿呢 - 抱歉 你有麻烦了 - Come on! My kids are starvir. - I'm sorry you're having trouble.
[Buzzes]
这可以让你冷静 This should help you calm down.
请你在有钱的时候再来消费 Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.
你的孩子正在挨饿 卡尔二世 认为不应该让孩子挨饿 Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. Believes no child should go hungry.
你是个不称职的母亲 卡尔二世 将替代你获得孩子的抚养权 You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.
卡尔二世 “去你妈的 我正吃着呢！” Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating."
欢迎光临卡尔二世 Welcome to Carl's Jr.
你想不想尝尝我们的 “超大屁股玉米酪……” Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco...
现在添加了更多的小肉末 now with more molecules?
嘿！这是不是就是那个特别 不称职的单身妈妈？ Heyl Is this particular individual the unfit mother?
- 我？不 - 那好 这是特别的可疑分子 - Me? No. - Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.
听着 我可以解释 好吗？ 我曾在部队里做了一项实验 Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment.
等等 那是实验里的另一个卧仓 Wait a second. There's the other pod from the army experiment.
有个女孩 她和我在一个实验里 There was a girl. She was from the same experiment.
是啊 你的屁放完了吗？先生 - Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir. - [Groaning]
乔 由于没有付 医疗费和…… [Narrator] Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill...
没有“公民代码”而被捕了 and not having his U.R.C. Tattoo.
他很快就会发现 在这样的未来 正义公道的审判不仅仅变得盲目…… He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind...
而且也变得相当呆滞混乱 but had become rather retarded as well.
你们丫的都闭嘴！现在…… You shut up! Now... [Clears Throat]
这里我决定开庭 I'm fixir to commensurate this trial here.
能不能做出最后的裁决 我们拭目以待 We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here.
现在 由于你认定自己没有钱…… Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money...
我们有“权”为你指定…… we have "proprietarily" obtained for you...
一名律师为你辩护 one of them court-appointed lawyers.
所以 把你的双手握紧 交给弗里托·兰德·乔 So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Rendejo.
你是我的律师？ You're my lawyer?
这里说你 啊 抢了一家医院？ Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital?
- 你为啥那么你做？ - 不 我是无辜的 - Why'd you do that? - Yeah. I'm not guilty.
- 那是对面的律师告诉我的 - 你说啥呢…… - That's not what the other lawyer said. - What do you mean what the...
听着 你要替我辩护 好吗？ Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay?
我可以解释一切 我们可以带他们 去你家 给他们看那个卧仓 I can explain everything. We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod.
闭嘴！闭嘴！闭嘴！ Shut upl Shut upl Shut upl
现在 原告 你觉得 他为啥要那么做？ Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it?
好的 法官大人 第一条 你看他的样子 Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him.
[All Laughing]
他说话还像个娘们儿 - He talks like a fag too. - [Laughing Continues]
还有第二条 我们找到了这个 可以说是 一种证据…… And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence...
或是什么的 那就是 这个家伙到了医院却不付钱 of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital.
而且 我还听他说过 他没有纹代码 And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo.
我明白！ - [Crowd Grumbling] - I know!
最后 我的话就是“别再 说什么狗屁废话了” 看看这个家伙 And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittir me." But check this out, man.
应该判他“有罪” 和平万岁 Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace.
[Crowd Cheering]
- 反对！ - 你反对什么？ - Objection! - What are you objectifyir on?
- 来吧 替我说说吧 - 好的 - Come on. Just get me on the stand. - Okay.
- 啊 法官大人 - 啊哈？ - Um, Your Honor? - Hmm?
我反对…… I object...
这家伙还把我的公寓弄得 一团糟 that this guy also broke my apartment to shit.
- 是啊 - 什么？ - Yeah. - What?
所以你知道我要反对什么吗？ 我要他赔我钱…… And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me...
在他赔完他从医院偷的钱后 after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospitall
别说我偷了钱 你可是我的律师啊 Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer.
我还要反对 And I object.
我还要反对 他在我看 “喔！我的睾丸！”的时候打扰了我 I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls!
那可不能算了！我陈述完了！ - [All Booing] - That is not okay! And I rest my case!
法官大人 我很肯定 这里有些误会 大人 Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir.
我没有用脚踢烂你的屁股才是误会 你给我闭嘴 - I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up. - [All Laughing]
- 求求你们了 听我解释 - “求求你们 让我解释” - Please, listen. - "Please, listen."
我什么也没有偷 - [All Laughing] - I didn't steal anything.
我只是部队实验的一部分 I was part of an army experiment...
乔逻辑且激情的陈述着…… [Narrator] Joe stated his case logically and passionately...
但他理性而温柔的声音 只能换回 无情而愚蠢的嘲讽 but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter.
有罪！ - Guilty! - [Crowd Cheering]
不等他做完充足合法的陈述 乔 就被无情的判为有罪 Without adequate legal representation, joe was given a stiff sentence.
与此同时 丽塔已经醒来 要去寻找这个星球上最最古老的职业…… Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession...
是非常的简单的 尤其是 在一个头脑简单的社会里 was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons.
是非常的简单的 尤其是 在一个头脑简单的社会里 Was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons.
欢迎来电美国在线 时代华纳 Taco Bell 美国政府长途 （快餐连锁店） [Female Voice] Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance.
请说出你要找的人的名字 Please say the name of the person you wish to call.
阿普格瑞德 Upgrayedd.
这儿有 9,726个 和阿普格瑞德有关的名目 There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd.
请先预存2,000美元再开始接线 Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection.
- 伙计 什么啊？ - 噢 耶 宝贝儿 - Man, what? - Oh, yeah, baby.
嘿 听着 你能不能…… 你能不能先等会？ Hey, look, can you just... can you wait a second, please?
噢 好的 宝贝儿 我会好好等的 Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good.
真的吗？ Really?
考虑一下 啊……你觉得你 能等一天吗？ Think, uh... You think maybe you could wait a day?
宝贝儿 我能等你两天 Baby, I can wait two days.
哈 那很好 我可是按时间收费的 Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour.
哦 是吗？ 那好 你高兴被人等是吧 宝贝儿 Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby.
谢谢 年轻人 Thank you very much, young man.
这他妈的是啥？ What the fuck?
妈的 就一年的功夫 变得东西真多 Goddamn, shit's changed in a year.
我们在这儿做啥？ What are we doir here?
好吧 先生 我们将要 给你加上条码 Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo.
欢迎来到美国公民 身份处理系统 [Electronic Voice] Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America.
请插入你的前臂 到前臂收容器里 Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle.
谢谢 - Thank you. - [Mechanical Whirring]
请说出你现用的身份证上的名字…… Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card...
- 第G24L8号文件 - 我不确定如果…… - Document number G24L8. - I'm not sure if...
你输入的名字为“不确定” 你确定吗？“不确定？” You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure?
不 不对 - No, it's not correct. - [Dings]
谢谢 “不”已被确认 “确定”正确吗？ Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?
不 不对 我的名字是乔…… - No, it's not. My name is Joe... - [Beeping]
你的名以被确定为“不” You've already confirmed your first name is Not.
- 请确认你的姓为“确定” - 我的…… - Rlease confirm your last name, "Sure." - My...
我的姓不是“确定” - My last name is not Sure. - [Dings]
- 谢谢 不确定 - 不 我的名字是乔 - Thank you, Not Sure. - No. What I mean is my name is Joe.
确认身份已完成 请等候 我将在你的前臂打上你的新身份 Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
等一下 我能重来吗？我可以取消吗？ - Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this? - [Buzzing]
我们能不能重来一次？ Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning?
他们会…… 嗷 我能不能和你的管理人谈谈？ They're gonna tat... Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?
- 嗷！ - 请在照相的时候坐稳 - Ow! - Please hold still for your photograph.
- [Whirring] - [Beeping]
哦 真他妈的不错 Oh, that's fuckir great.
好了 先生…… Okay, sir...
我们现在排队去获得 你的“智商和才能”测试值 now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I. Q and "apitude" tests.
那是干嘛？ What for?
好吧 先生 那是用来判断 你适合从事什么样的工作…… Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at...
并凭此来决定你在服刑其间作甚活 and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail.
如果你的第一个桶里面有两加仑的水…… [Electronic Voice] If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...
第二个桶里有五加仑的水…… and another bucket that holds five gallons...
你总共有几个桶？ how many buckets do you have?
两个？ Two?
谢谢 Thank you.
##[Man Singing]
##[Continues]
'Too.
##[Continues]
[No Audible Dialogue]
##[Ends]
绝望与恐惧…… [Narrator] Desperate and scared...
乔 用他超越别人的智商…… joe used his superior intelligence...
想出来了一个他认为最好的 越狱计划 to come up with the best escape plan he could think of.
嗨 对不起打扰一下 实际上 我今天是要被放出去的 先生 Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir.
是的 Yeah.
那你就站错队了 大傻蛋 在那边 You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there.
真抱歉 我真是个大傻蛋 抱歉 I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry.
嘿 啊 让这个大傻蛋过去 Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through.
[Beeping]
[Warning Buzzer Buzzing]
[Door Closes]
- 出去 - 是啊 - 'Too. - Yeah. Got it.
[Beeping]
啊 我没找到你 所以 你还得 啊 待在监狱里 Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.
你能再查下吗？ Could you check again?
因为 你知道 我的确在…… 我绝对在狱里的 好吗？ 'Cause, I was, you know... I was definitely in prison, okay?
我天天都责骂自己和忏悔 要么你再查查后面的文件 I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there?
- [Alarm Blaring] - [Electronic Voice] "Excape." "Excape."
"Excape." "Excape."
##[Man Singing]
##[Ends]
《自慰网路频道》 [Man] The Masturbation Network.
让美国人爽了300多年 Keepir America 'batir for 300 years.
而现在 《甜蜜性爱直通车》 - And now, Sweet Bang Tube. - [Squeaking On TV]
哦 耶 给我吧 切块给我 - Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece. - [Squeaking Continues]
噢 耶 那是…… - Oh, yeah, that's... - [Knocking]
滚开！忙着呢！ Go away! 'Batir!
[Knocking Continues]
该死 Damn it.
行了 别敲了 - [Knocking] - All right.
嘿 嘿 滚出去 嘿 滚出去 Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here!
不 你给我听着 是你 让我这个无辜的人进了监狱 No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail.
咋了？闭嘴 因为你毁了我的家 So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house.
嘿 我会让你被取消律师资格的…… 取消资格……就像你对我那样 Hey, I could have you disbarred... disbarred... for what you did to me.
那是进监狱的就是你了 而且你 还得不到一分钱 Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havir any money.
噢 真的？ Oh, really?
是啊 真的 现在 瞧 我们来商量个办法 Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal.
我一直在想 这都过了500年了 I've been thinking. It's been 500 years.
肯定有人已经发明了穿越时空的 办法了 Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now.
你明白的 因为在我的那个时代 这项研究就略有小成了 你懂吗？ You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know?
- 因为有爱因斯坦之类的一些人 - 啊－哈 - With Einstein and guys like that? - Uh-huh.
- 懂吗 科学家？懂吗？ - 啊 - You know, scientists? You know? - Uh.
时光机器 用来时空穿梭的 A time machine, for time travel.
- 有没有啊？ - 什么啊？ - Do they have one? - What?
[Tires Squealing, Car Crashing In Distance]
上帝啊 我知道这样下去 根本没什么希望 Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for.
不 不 他们有个时光机器 No, no, they got a time machine.
- 真的有？ - 是啊 - They do? - Yeah.
- 你 你 你确定？ - 是啊 - Are-Are-Are you sure? - Yeah.
- 能带我回2005年吗？ - 噢 当然了 就是 很贵 - Can it get me back to 2005? - Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.
这玩意儿可以破坏所有的时间 是个很久以前的聪明人弄出来的 And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago.
我不在乎 就带我去找它 咋样？ I don't care. Just get me there, okay?
- 喔…… - 求你了！ - Well... - Please!
听着 我…… 我…… 我比你“猛的多”…… Listen, l... l... l"supersize" with you...
所以为啥你不好好的待在监狱 为我把钱弄够呢？ but didn't you go to jail for not havirenough money?
好吧 这样咋样？你带我去找时光机器 当我回去后…… Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back...
我为你开个帐户存钱 I open a savings account in your name.
那样 500年后你就成亿万富翁了 That way, 500 years later, it'll be won'th billions.
- 亿万富翁啊！ - 因为 - Billionsl - 'Cause?
因为有利息 那样下来就是亿万的 财富啊 'Cause of the interest, it'll be won'th billions of dollars.
- 噢 我……我喜欢钱 - 耶 - Oh, l... I like money. - Yeah.
- 多少个亿万啊？ - 大概 10个 - How many billions? - Like, 10.
是啊 算个屁 时光机器可是要花 大概 20个 Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20.
是吗？那好 啊 30个咋样 弗里托 Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito.
300亿啊 Thirty billion dollars.
300亿 那么你如果你给我300亿…… Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion...
而时间机花掉200亿…… and the time machine's 20...
30减20等于多少？ What's the minus of 30 and 20?
啊 等于 啊…… 等于80 弗里托 Uh, it's, uh... it's 80, Frito.
等于800亿美元 那可是个神奇的大减法呢 对吗？ It's $80 billion. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?
- 是啊 管他呢 反正我就是爱钱 - 警察！把门打开！ - Yeah. I like money though. - [Man] Rolicel Open the doorl
- 我们在找一个逃犯 - [Banging On Door] - We're looking for an "excaped"individual.
- 这个家伙的名字叫做“不确定” - 800亿啊 - This particular individual's name is Not Sure. - Eighty billion.
噢 啊 他……他在……别的地方 Oh, um, he... He's... somewhere else.
- 有没有衣服给我换一下？ - 有 那边的最上面有一些体面的 中间有些休闲的衣服 - You got something I can wear? - Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle.
附近的一个可乐贩卖机记录了他的代码 [Roliceman] A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.
看起来他是朝你这边来的 Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile."
好吧 先生 我们要进来了 - [Banging] - Okay, sir, we're comirin.
- 不 你们不能进来！ - 当然能！ - No, you can't come in. - Can tool
- 快点！ - 好吧 去找我的亿万钞票吧 - Come on! - All right, let's go get my billions.
[Banging Continues]
哦 好吧 还有件事 我们要先找到 丽塔 这个女孩 好吧？ Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay?
- 她辣不辣？ - 是 当然 很辣 - Is she bangir? - Yeah, sure, she is.
那可不是我们交易的一部分 That wasrt really part of the deal.
- 好吧 啊 我再给个你20亿 咋样？ - 我就喜欢钱 - Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? - I like money.
好的 她的驾仓就在右边 希望 如我所愿 她离得不远 Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope.
嗯 姑娘 哦 耶？ 那么我们下来做什么？ Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it?
因为我一直在按小时给你钱 这样说来 大概有3天的时间了 'Cause you been chargir me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days.
哦 耶 很快的 宝贝儿 马上 嘿 你知道吗？ Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what?
为啥你不明天再来找我呢？ Why don't you come back tomorrow?
- 是啊 是 好 好的 - 嗯？ - Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! - Yeah?
要是最后我需要你的时候 你可要好好伺候我啊 When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me.
那没问题 你说了算 先生 That's right. Whatever you say, sir.
- 嘿 我还给你记着时间呢啊！ - 好的 姑娘 - Hey, you still on the clock! - Yeah, girl.
- 谢了！ - 丽塔！ - Thank you! - Rita!
丽塔！是我 乔和你一起做 实验的那个 上车！快点 Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on.
哦 是啊！ 发什么了 伙计？ Oh, yeah! What the hell, man?
上了车 我再给你解释 Just get in the car. I'll explain everything.
- 我们去哪？ - 待在车里先别管 - Where we going? - Just get in the car.
- 相信我 - 这帮子部队的人都怎么了？ - Trust me. - What happened to those army guys?
- 等等 有警察在追你？ - [Siren Blaring] - Wait a minute. You got cops after you?
- 是啊 - 那你还让我上车？ 我受了两次打击了 混蛋 - Yeah. - And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole!
弗里托 向右拐 向右 向右！ Frito, take a right here. Right, right!
开到那片沙尘暴里 弗里托 Into that dust storm, Frito.
他们一定是把我们给忘了 [Joe] They must have just forgotten about us.
就这样过了500年？哦 见鬼 不！ [Rita] It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, nol
阿普格瑞德会杀了我的！ 我拖了他的钱一天 他会疯的！ Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money!
这么说 你欠你男友的钱了？ So, you owe your boyfriend money?
啊 是啊 他也算是我的经纪人 Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too.
你知道 他帮我销售作品 You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit.
瞧 丽塔 你要明白 对于现在 阿普格瑞德已经死了很长时间了 Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.
- 是啊 伙计 但你说过 有个什么时光机器 不是吗？ - 是的 - Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? - Yeah.
是的 有个时光机器 可以把我们带回去…… Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past...
但是那时却没有这种机器 所以…… but there was no time machine back then, so...
阿普格瑞德可不管这时光机器在哪 现在 过去 还是上个礼拜…… Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week...
他总会找个办法弄到他的钱 He will find a way to come get his money!
- 我想说的就是你不用那个担心…… - 你知道吗？ - All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it... - You know what?
上次你叫我别担心的时候 还是他妈的500年前…… Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago...
你叫我钻进铁箱子的时候 when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin.
丽塔 我也不知道为啥会这样 好吗？ - Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay? - [Buzzing]
但是我会尽我所能 把我们从这儿 弄回去 好吗？我想你保证 But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you.
你正窝藏一个叫做“不确定”的逃犯 [Electronic Voice] You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.
请立马停车 等待警察来逮捕他 Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger.
- 见鬼 不 你知道吗？让我出去 - 谢谢你的帮助 - Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. - Thank you for your help.
如果你没有这个 他们也会 把你扔进监狱的 相信我 If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail.
你可不想被扔进监狱吧 我可进去过 You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them.
他们坏极了 坏的不能再坏了 你最好的办法就是跟着我们 They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds.
- 你在干啥？为什么减速？ - 电池没电了 - What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? - Turned off my battery.
听着 还有多远？ 我们能不能叫个计程车什么的？ Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something?
[Machine-gun Fire]
噢 见鬼！ Oh, shit.
[Explosion]
噢！噢 妈的！ Oh! Oh, shit!
耶！ - [Cheering] - Yeah!
你他妈的咋了？那不是你的车吗？ What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car.
噢 妈的 真棒！着火了！ [Frito] Oh, hell, yeahl He's on firel
快点！我们离开这儿 Come on! Let's get out of here.
嘿 还有多远？ [Rita] Hey, how much farther is it?
啊 这个 就是 还远呢 Uh, it's, like, far.
伙计 我真应该去找个星巴克 Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?
是啊 哇哦 不过我们可没有什么 时间来“打飞机”啊 乔 Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.
## [Singing]
伙计 他看起来可不怎么聪明 你确信他知道路吗？ Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going?
我希望他知道 他是我们唯一的选择 I sure hope so. He's our only chance.
你到底是怎么和他搞到一起的？ - ## [Continues] - How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?
他是我的律师 但他真的很烂 He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either.
他是个该死的白痴 [Joe] He's a goddamned idiot.
那有个穿梭机在克斯托克 它会把我们带到时间机的地方 There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine.
天啊 哦 听着 还有件事 Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing.
他以为如果他帮我们的话 他会得到亿万的钞票 He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there.
所以如果当他提起什么存钱之类的 事的话 就假装应付一下 好吗？ So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay?
知道了 但如果这个时间机 不能用了怎么办？ Yeah, what if this time machine don't work?
那我就用我毕生的时间来修好它 Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it.
欢迎来到克斯托克 我爱你 欢迎来到克斯托克 我爱你 Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you.
欢迎来到克斯托克 我爱你 Welcome to Costco. I love you.
- [Goats Bleating] - [Duck Quacking]
电子穿梭机就在那边 还有一个小时就到了 Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here.
我们一直在走 你确定知道路？ [Rita] We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going?
是啊 我对这里很熟 我就在这儿学的法律 Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.
在克斯托克？ In Costco?
是啊 我自己都不敢相信 Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself.
走运的是 我老爸就是那个学校 毕业的并给我走了走后门 Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.
嘿 快点 乔 我告诉过你…… Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you...
我说过 我们都喜欢“打飞机”的 可是这次我们没有什么时间 we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it.
嘿 宝贝儿 想爽一下吗？ [Woman] Hey, baby, wanna go out?
想不想爽爽啊 甜心？ Wanna go out, honey?
穿梭机几分钟就来一趟 应该不会太长 Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldrt be long.
我能去洗手间吗？ - Do I got time to use the bathroom? - [Laughing]
[Imitates Farting, Chuckles]
- 呃 厕所 - 我就回来 - [Frito] Uh, the toilet. - Be right back.
嗯 好 把裙子脱掉 Yeah, back that thing up.
- 嘿 不介意我上他吧 乔？ - 什么？ - Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe? - What?
- 我喜欢跟少妇做爱 - 是吗？ - I like having sex with chicks. - Yeah?
- 嗯 - 我想大家都喜欢 弗里托 - Yeah. - I think everybody does, Frito.
我跟平常人不同 抱着女人 侧着身子 Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways.
然后只要像这样 往后用力 你就…… Then you just, like, back it up. And then you...
- 那样很棒 - 然后你……啊 耶！ - That's real good. - Then you... Oh, yeahl
打住！你这样会让我们被逮到的 Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay?
警报！警报！ - [Alarm Blaring] - [Electronic Voice] Warningl Warningl
克斯托克在16,702号通道探测到危险分子 Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702.
嗨！丽塔怎么办？我们不能把她丢在这里 Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here.
我才不管呢 快来！ I don't care. Come on!
啊 该死 等等 我们要做什么？ - [Sirens Wailing] - Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?
等等 我知道我们该做什么了 Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do.
我们去找时光机器 然后我乘它回到过去 We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past...
告诉她不要做那实验 I tell her not to do the experiment.
- 那样她甚至就不会在这里了 对吗？ - 呃…… - Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? - Uh...
- 不 等等 - 请勿站在门口 - No, wait. - [Electronic Voice] Rlease stand clear of the doors.
她已经在这里了 那说明我没有及时回去 对吗？ She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right?
- 呃…… - 不 等等 那只说明我还没告诉她 - Uh... - No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet.
好的 那我回去告诉她不要做实验 Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment.
然后我也不必这样了 因为她不会在这里 Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here.
那我也就不必回来救她了 对吧？ - Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? - L...
- 但是 等等 为什么我还在这里呢？ - 呃…… - But then, wait. Why am I still here? - Uh...
见鬼 时空旅行怎么进行的？ Goddamn, how does this time travel work?
- 请勿站在门口 - 站住！举起手来！不许动！ - Rlease stand clear. - [Policeman] Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!
- 举起手来！ - 不许动！站住！ - Put your hands up! - Don't move! Freeze!
如果你们要把我带回监狱的话 Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail...
还不如杀了我呢 因为没有…… just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way...
喔！操！喔！喔！ Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!
- 什么？ - 喔！喔！喔！喔！ - What? - Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.
什么？ - [Roliceman] What? - [Spraying]
- 喔！老天！嘿 住手！ - 该死！ - [Joe] Owl Godl Hey, stopl - Damn it.
- 这里哪里？ - 嗯 先生 这里是白宫 - [Joe] What is this? - [Roliceman] Okay, sir, this is the White House.
- 我们到白宫干什么？ - 什么？ - What are we doing at the White House? - What?
喔！喔！该死！ - [Spraying] - Owl Owl Goddamnl
情况是乔智商测试的结果 [Narrator] It turned out the results ofJoe's I.Q. Test...
吸引了政府最高层的注意 had caught the attention of the highest levels of government.
好的 等一下 谁说我说世界上最聪明的人？ Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who?
你在监狱做的智商测试 The I. Q test you took in prison.
是有史以来获得的最好成绩 由卡尔二世给您献上 You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
是的 笨蛋 你甚至比卡马乔总统还要聪明 Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter than Rresident Camacho.
那也正是他找你来当内务部长的原因 That's how come he's making you secretary of interior.
好的 那你是谁？ Okay, so who are you?
我是能源部长 I'm the secretary of energy.
他赢得了一场竞赛 成为了内阁成员 He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member.
我是国务卿 由卡尔二世给您献上 I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
- 你为什么老说那句话？ - 我这样做他们会付给我钱的 - Why do you keep saying that? - 'Cause they pay me every time I do.
那是挣钱的好门路 你这么聪明 怎么连这都不知道？ It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that?
[All Chuckling]
- 他是国防部长 - 你好 - He's the secretary of defense. - Hi.
那边的大波妹是司法部长 And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general.
你好 [Whispers] Hi.
那个是教育部长 And that's the secretary of education.
他有点蠢 但是他是卡马乔总统同父异母的兄弟 He's kinda stupid, but he's Rresident Camacho's stepbrother.
不管怎样 他工作很出色的 呃？ Still, he does a pretty good job, eh?
我觉得这一定出了什么差错 You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake...
因为我做的测试十分 十分很简单 'cause the test I took was real, real easy.
我不是世界上最聪明的家伙 明白？ I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay?
好吧 即使那是真的 我也做不了内务部长 Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the secretary of the interior.
- 我甚至不知道那是什么 - 那你最好搞明白 - I don't even know what it is. - [Secretary of State] You better find out.
- 坐下 总统卡马乔来了 - 嘿 嘿 嘿 嘿…… - Sit down. It's President Camacho. - Hey, hey, hey, yo...
我要处理一些事务 宝贝儿 你们都在门外等着 I gotta take care of some "bidness,"baby, so I need y'all to wait outside.
德维安·埃利桑多·卡马乔 五次终极摔角赛冠军 [Narrator] Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...
色情超级明星 美利坚合众国总统 porn superstar, and president of the United States...
被世人称为集诡异与智慧为一身的政府首脑 had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world.
- 你很聪明 哈？ - 不 不 - So you smart, huh? - No, no.
我还以为你的头会很大呢 - I thought your head would be bigger. - [Muttering]
该死！ Goddamn.
就跟花生差不多 - It look like a peanut. - [All Laughing]
让我带你去宣誓就职 Let's get you sworn in.
议会
##[Rock Instrumental]
先生们 女士们 让我们欢迎 [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the president of Americal
[Crowd Cheering]
美国总统卡马乔！ [Announcer] Rresident Camachol
闭嘴 [Laughing] Shut up.
闭嘴 坐下你们的猴屁股 - Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. - ##[Ends]
冷静 Chill out.
狗屁 Shit.
现在形势很糟糕 饥荒的流言 I know shit's bad right now with all that starvirbullshit.
还有沙尘暴 法国薯条和墨西哥玉米煎饼快吃光了 And the dust storms. And we runnir out of French fries and burrito coverings. And the dust storms. And we runnir out of French fries and burrito coverings.
对！ [Man] Yeah!
- 但是我有了解决的办法 - 上次你也是这样说的 蠢货！ - But I got a solution. - That's what you said last time, dipshit!
我有了的解决办法 你个鸡巴 I got a solution. You're a dickl
南卡罗来纳州 “怎么了？” - South Carolina, "whassup?" - [All Cheering]
我现在想这样！ That's what I thought!
我能理解大家现在的狗屎情绪 Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now...
但是听清楚了 but listen up.
我有了能解决所有问题的三点计划 I got a three-point plan to fix everything.
说明白点 卡马乔！ [Man] Break it down, Camachol
第一点 我们有了这个家伙 不确定 Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure.
第二点 他有比任何活人都高的智商 - Number two, he's got a higher I.Q. Than any man alive. - [Cheering]
另外第三点 他会解决所有问题 - And number three, he's gonna fix everything. - [Applause]
我以总统的身份作出承诺 I give you my word as president.
他会解决庄稼绝收的问题 He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops.
他会让它们再长起来的 He's gonna make 'em grow again.
- 庄稼？ - 不止这些 我做出承诺 - Crops? - And that ain't all. I give you my word.
##[Electric Guitar]
他还会解决沙尘暴的问题 He's gonna fix the dust storms too.
我做出承诺 I give you my word.
他还会解决经济危机 He's gonna fix the "ecomony."
##[Electric Guitar Continues]
他太聪明了 And he's so smart...
他会在一周内就解决这些问题 - he's gonna do it all in one week. - [Crowd Cheering]
卡马乔在世界面前向大家保证 [Narrator] Rresident Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone...
乔会解决他们的所有问题 thatJoe would solve all their problems.
他不仅要结束沙尘暴 终止经济危机 He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy...
还要解决痤疮和晕车等一系列问题 but he would cure acne and carsickness as well.
卡马乔还作出了另一个保证 And ifhe didn't...
如果乔做不到的话 Rresident Camacho made another promise.
就把那聪明的家伙揍得屁滚尿流 He would kick Joe's smart balls all the way up to the roof ofhis smart mouth.
然后再把他扔回监狱去 - And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail. - [Shouting]
我应该对你讲老实话 总统先生 I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President.
我不知道怎样做部长 I don't know how to be secretary of anything.
我是说 实际上我连投票都没参加过 I mean, I've never even voted, actually.
我甚至都不知道内务部长是做什么的 I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is.
别这样 伙计 别跟个娘么似的 总比坐牢好吧 是吗？ Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy. It beats jail, don't it?
此外 你做得出色的话 Besides, you do a kick-ass job...
就能得到总统的特赦 you get a full presidential pardon.
- 不用坐牢 - 真的吗？ - No jail time. [Laughing] - Yeah?
操 真的！给我瓶啤酒 Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer.
你也来一瓶 And get you one too.
[Laughing]
狗屁！ Shit! [Laughing]
抓紧了 伙计 Hold on, vatol
- Whool - [Engine Revving]
[Laughing]
- 做点聪明事啊 - 是啊 - Do somethir smart. - Yeah.
呃 好的 呃…… Uh, okay. Uh...
我将 呃…… - I'll, uh... - [Door Opens]
- 嘿 我们找到了你要的那个律师 - 啊 好极了 谢谢 - Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. - Oh, okay. Great, thanks.
呃 现在 我要 呃 跟我的律师协商一下 Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel.
你们明白吗？我马上就回来 You understand? So I'll be right back.
必须去 呃 探讨些庄稼的东西 好好的研究一下 Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of.
- 但愿我们回来的时候能得出结果 - 听上去很聪明啊 - Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. - Sounds pretty smart.
在这里等着 好吗？在这里等着 Wait here, okay? Wait there.
哥们 这真是爽啊 你一定要给我在白宫安排个职务 Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House.
每个人都想跟白宫扯上关系 每个人 Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone.
- 真的？ - 真的 - Yeah? - Yeah.
你乐意这里来我很欣慰 弗里托 但是我是叫你来帮我忙的 I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me.
我对种庄稼根本不了解 I don't know the first thing about growircrops...
该死的经济学至少还知道点 much less the goddamn "ecomony."
经济学 Econ-Economy.
让我想想 种庄稼…… Let's see. Growir crops...
不 我只要你告诉我怎么到 时光机器那里去 No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.
啊 那简单多了 你直走到博物馆旁 Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff.
好像……好像是在博物馆旁 It's, like... It's, like, by the museum...
大概是 晤 实际上 不太确定 sort of, but, well, actually, not really.
更像是……在街上 你走…… 等下 让我从头来 More like... But on the street. You go, um... Wait. Let me start over.
好的 你知道时光机器在哪里吗？ Okay, you know where the time machine is?
嘿 给我画个地图就行了 好吗？ Hey. Just draw me a map, okay?
你还想要钱吗？ You still want the money?
啊 如果我有了钱 并且在白宫也有一席之地 Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House...
- 我就会这样“是我的 一整夜！” - 听着 打住！ - I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" - Listen. Cut it out!
听着 我告诉这些人你很聪明 好吗？ Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay?
- 装得聪明点！ - 跟你一样聪明？ - So act smart! - Smart like you?
啊 我要去时光机器那里 我要回家 [With Effeminate Voice] "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home."
- 我没那样说过 - 我没那样说过 - I don't talk like that. - "I don't talk like that."
妈的 我还以为有两个你呢 Shit, I thought there was two of you.
看见没？ [Laughs] See?
[Secretary of Defense] Doesrt look that big, is it?
好了 让我们去看看那些庄稼 Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops.
特别是在博物馆区域周围的庄稼 Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area.
可以吗？嘿 来啊！ All right? Hey, come on!
从现在开始 你们要么带头 要么跟着我 要么就退出 明白？ Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right?
哇 你刚刚就做了这个决定吗？ Whoa. Did you just make that up?
嗯 是的 现在听着 Yes, I did. Now look...
马上去帮我找到个名叫丽塔的女孩 I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately...
- 弗里托会助你们一臂之力的 - 为什么？ - and Frito will give you a hand with it. - Why?
晤 对于我们团队 对于我们来说 Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset...
她是应有的 必须的 有用的 你们明白的 利用 you know, for our team, for us to, you know, utilize.
[All Laughing]
利用她！利用她！ Utilize her! Utilize her!
利用 [Secretary of State] Utilizel
嘿 呃 你们会把她带来的 是吧？ - [Laughing] - Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?
啊 耶 首要目标！ Oh, yeah. Butt first!
[All Laughing]
- 利用她！ - 好的 - [Secretary of Defense] Utilize herl - Okay.
该死！我可以摸摸你的胸吗？ Dang! May I approach your benches?
呃 耶 这真是太糟糕了 Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad.
弗里托 你为什么不来看看呢？ Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this?
快点 跑过来 伙计 我要查出原因 Come on. Hustle over here, buddy. I wanna figure this out.
看见没 没有一点水分 你画好图了吗？ See, uh, just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map?
- 啊 是的 - 小心点 - Oh, yeah. - Discreetly.
- 就在这里 - 我看见了 我看见了 - It's right there. - I see it. I see it.
站在我旁边 Stand up with me.
唷 不确定部长先生 他们找到了你要的那个妓女 Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted.
嘿 也许将来会这样称呼女人 但现在别这样 Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on.
不 先生 她收了一个家伙不少钱 却没有提供服务 No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out.
不过别担心 只要你想上她 Don't worry though. We'll get her out...
我们会给她办张劳动释放卖淫执照 放她出来的 on a work-release whorir license as long as you're doir her.
别碰我 你以为我能干什么 跑出田头？ Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field?
你们他妈的都在看什么？ What the fuck are you all starir at?
- 乔？ - 那是不确定 小姐 - Joe? - That's Not Sure, ma'am.
- 不确定部长 - 部长？什么部长？ - Secretary Not Sure. - Secretary? Secretary of what?
介意我们单独待会儿吗？ Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone?
就在田间 You know, in the bushes?
啊 伙计 Oh, man.
[All Laughing]
- 操她 乔！ - 嘿 要我们跟着你 确保她给你服务吗？ - Fuck her, Joe! - Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out?
不 谢谢 我自己能搞定的 No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah.
我还以为你在监狱呢 你怎么成了内务部长？ I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?
只管走 我会给你解释这一切的 Just keep walking. I'll explain everything.
好的 准备逃跑 Okay. Get ready to run.
- 什么？ - 啊 该死 - What? - Oh, goddamn it.
好地图 弗里托 你知道吗？只管跑就是了 Way to go, Frito. You know what? Just make a run for it anyways.
我们会在路上打听地方的 We'll ask for directions on the way.
不行 我前两天一直在找 没那么容易找到的 No way. I spent the last two days looking for it. It ain't easy to find.
该死 我不能回监狱的 我也肯定不能解决这些问题 Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems.
我只知道我最好在 阿普格瑞德找到我之前找到他 All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me.
听我说 阿普格瑞德找不到你的 明白？ 那是不可能的！ Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!
- 啊 是吗？ - 是啊！即使阿普格瑞德 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...
能神奇般地穿越了时空 could somehow magically travel through time...
我们也会受到特勤部门保护的 明白？ we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay?
所以别担心 你很安全 So don't worry. You're safe.
你知道吗？虽然不关我的事 但是当我们回去的时候 And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back...
你和阿普格瑞德 认真考虑下婚姻咨询 好吗？ you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay?
还有你最好考虑下 找个不是你男朋友的人做经理人 And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.
嘿！她没给你服务？ Heyl She's not puttirout?
呃 不 她做了 我们 呃 已经做完了 Uh, no, she is. We, uh... We already did it.
是啊 他很棒的 Yeah. He was great.
好的 嘿 我们在想 Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderir, uh...
我们是不是该轮流享受一下 if we'd go family-style on her.
呃 好啊 但最好现在不要 Uh, yeah, probably not right now.
我们目前的焦点是庄稼 回去工作吧 那事以后再说 We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later.
这他妈的是什么？ What the hell is this?
- 尝上去像“给他力” - 不是那布兰多牌的吗？ - Tastes like Gatorade. - [Rita] Is that that Brawndo stuff?
他们给庄稼浇灌运动饮料？ [Joe] They're watering crops with a sports drink?
用“布兰多牌口渴终结者”代替了水 [Narrator] Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water...
实际上 是任何地方 （它有农作物所稀缺的成分） virtually everywhere.
水本是生命之源 Water, the basic component of all life...
却被看做对布兰多公司利益的威胁 （它有奶牛所稀缺的成分） had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin.
这项转折性的预案于2330年通过 The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330...
当时布兰多公司买下了F.D.A （食品及药物管理局） when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F.D. A...
和F.C.C （通信委员会） and the F.C. C...
然后授权他们为所欲为 enabling them to say, do and sell...
卖出任何想卖东西 （F.D.A食物金字塔） anything they wanted.
乔对此一无所知 Joe didn't know any of this...
但是他能找到解决这个问题的办法 but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve.
乔别无选择 做出了大胆的一步 - [Indistinct] - With his options running out, joe took a bold step.
这次他不会退出 He would not get out of the way.
这次 他要带头 This time, he would lead.
说最后一次 我非常肯定 For the last time, I'm pretty sure...
导致庄稼绝收的是布兰多的玩意儿 what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.
但是布兰多有植物有稀缺的成分 它含有电解质 But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.
等一下 你是说 So wait a minute. What you're saying...
你要我们给庄稼浇水？ is that you want us to put water on the crops.
- 是的 - 水 跟厕所里出来的一样？ - Yes. - Water. Like out the toilet?
晤 不一定要从厕所里出来的 但是 不错 是个好主意 Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.
- 但是布兰多有植物所稀缺的成分 - 含有电解质 - But Brawndo's got what plants crave. - It's got electrolytes.
好的 听着 Okay, look.
植物没有生长 所以我确信布兰多没有作用 The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working.
我虽然不是植物专家 但是我知道 如果你给植物浇水 它们就会生长 Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.
晤 我从没见过在厕所的水里 长出来的东西 Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.
嘿 很好 你确定你是这世界上最聪明的家伙吗？ Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?
你们想要解决问题 我想要得到特赦 - [Chuckling] - You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon.
我们为什么不试试呢？ 别管植物缺少什么 So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?
布兰多有植物所稀缺的成分 Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- 该死 - 是的 它含有电解质 - Goddamn it. - Yeah, it's got electrolytes.
什么是电解质？你知道吗？ What are electrolytes? Do you even know?
它们是用来做布兰多的 It's what they use to make Brawndo.
是啊 但是为什么要用它们来做布兰多？ Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?
因为布兰多含有电解质 'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes.
几个小时后 乔终于放弃了逻辑和原理 [Narrator] After several hours, joe finally gave up on logic and reason...
而只是告诉内阁成员们他能跟植物说话 and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants...
它们说需要水 and that they wanted water.
他让大家都成为了信徒 He made believers out of everyone.
乔虽然不懂 但正是电解质 Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes...
数十年来使表层土盐碱化 were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades...
这导致了植物的死亡和土壤的沙漠化 killing plants and leading to the dust bowl.
作为内务部长 乔下令所有庄稼转而浇灌水 As secretary of the interior, joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...
并许下承诺 不久之后 植物会生长并且沙尘暴也会结束 promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end.
看上去 他似乎很快就能得到总统的特赦了 He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon. - Or so it seemed. - [All Shouting]
我希望能长得快些 Man, I hope somethir grows fast.
是啊 那样我们就能回家了 Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home.
你真的认为这些人会饿死吗？ Man. You really think those people would have starved to death?
我不知道 我是说 世界怎么会变成这个样子的？ I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this?
当人们开始向我求助的时候 情况一般已经很糟糕了 You know things are bad when they're comir to me for answers.
比其他人都聪明的感觉真是怪异 - It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. - Mm-hmm.
- 我还不太习惯 - 是啊 我也是 - I'm not used to it. - Yeah. Me neither.
要是能爱因斯坦看到这的话 会不会认为他们是堆蠢狗屎啊？ You think Einstein walked around thinkir everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
嗯 真难以想象 Yeah. Hadrt thought of that.
- 现在你明白他造原子弹的原因了吧 - 是啊 - Now you know why he built that bomb. - Yeah.
嘿 乔 听着 那些警察…… Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops...
- 啊 嘿 我很抱歉 - 不 不 - Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. - No. No.
他们说你为我争取了特赦 They said that you got me a pardon.
如果你不那么做的话 我现在还在监狱呢 You know, if you hadrt done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so...
我想我欠你份人情 I guess I owe you one.
如果想的话 你可以睡上来 You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to.
啊 不 我没关系 Oh. No. I'm... I'm all right. Yeah.
此外 我想要是阿普格瑞德听到 Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that.
你跟陌生人同床共枕可不会高兴 You in bed with a stranger.
- [Snickers] - Yeah.
[Laughing]
我确信 我确信 I know. I know.
[Laughing Continues]
是的 啊 伙计 [Joe] Yeah. Oh, boy.
啊 该死 是阿普格瑞德 Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd.
啊 该死 不是阿普格瑞德 [Joe] Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.
如果时间充足 乔的计划可能会成功 [Narrator] Given enough time, joe's plan might have worked.
但是 当布兰多的股票突然跌至零点 But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero...
并且有半数人口失业 leaving half the population unemployed...
愚蠢 愤怒的民众在街头抢砸烧掠 dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting...
叫嚣着要拿下乔的人头 and screaming forJoe's head.
有布兰多公司的C.E.O.参与的 （首席执行官） An emergency cabinet meeting was called...
内阁会议紧急召开 with the C.E.O. Of the Brawndo Corporation.
怎么没人买布兰多牌“口渴终结者”？ How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?
啊 该死 全国半数的人都为布兰多工作 Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo.
不再是了！股票跌到了零 Not anymorel The stock has dropped to zero...
电脑自动解雇了所有人 and the computer did that auto-layoff thing to everybody.
- 我们都失业了！ - 你认为是什么搞毁了经济？ - We're all unemployed! - You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?
- 怎么发生这一切的？ - 我想都是我们用水引起的 但是…… - Why is this happening? - I think it's because we switched to water, but...
- 你是说那都是你的错？ - 什么？ - You mean this is all your fault? - What?
是啊 这是你的错 这些事都是我们开始用水后发生的！ Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water!
由卡尔二世给您献上 由卡尔二世给您献上 由卡尔二世给您献上 Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
福克斯新闻 [Announcer] Fox News.
不确定部长尝试从厕所里面取水 He tried taking water from toilets...
但是现在他自己却陷入了厕所中 but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now.
跟以往一样 这次将是正义 And as history pulls down its pants...
脱下裤子 把屁股靠近不确定 and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head...
在他头上拉泡屎 it will be DaddyJustice who will be crapping on him this time.
我们现在连线至犯罪频道的记者 福米加·戴维斯 We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis...
她将在高级法院 给我们带来今日审判的集锦 at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial.
谢谢 威尔丽塔 唔 庭审进程十分缓慢并很无聊 Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow...
不确定打算用一连串聪明话来蒙骗大家 with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk.
Blah, blah, blah 你们要相信我！ （指空话 废话） [With Effeminate Voice] Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe mel
审讯的部分逊极了 [Normal Voice] That part of the trial sucked.
就在那时 审判长“J”发飙了 But then, the chief "J" just went off.
他说“伙计们 不管怎样 He said, "Man, whatever.
这家伙的罪恶就跟屎一样 我们都清楚” The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that."
他被判处一夜的疗养 （先前录像） And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation.
嘿 疗养？一夜？ Hey, rehabilitation? One night?
听上去不坏啊？ Doesrt sound so bad.
不坏啊 哈？ Not so bad, huh?
这里有些上周疗养的集锦 Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation.
周一晚的疗养节目 [Crowd Cheering]
[Engine Revving]
大家一定对疗养官泰诺·琼斯的 完美终结记忆犹新吧 [Formica] And who could forget that wonderful finish... by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?
明天晚上应该会更棒 [Chuckling] And tomorrow night looks even more better.
据说超强比夫将复出 Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement.
哇 谢谢你 福米加 Wow. Thank you, Formica.
你认为你还能像上次那样脱身吗？ So you think you can escape again like you did last time?
- 不能了 他们弥补得很好 - 怎么做的？ - No. They pretty much fixed that. - How?
他们把我锁到大石头上了 They chained me to a big rock.
- 啊 - 是啊 - [Rita] Oh. - Yeah.
丽塔 去找弗里托 Look, Rita, get Frito.
叫他带你去时光机器那里去 不要等我 Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait.
不 你之前可以甩开我的 但你没有 No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't.
你想报答我吗？你只管回去 好吗？ Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay?
告诉人们要读书 Tell people to read books.
告诉人们要上学 Tell people to stay in school, you know.
告诉人们要用脑子 Tell people to just use their brains or something.
我想世界之所以变成这样 都是因为有我这样的人 I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me.
我这一生无所作为 你至少还是个艺术家 明白吗？ I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know?
- 所以只管回去 然后…… - 探监结束！ - So just go back and... - [Guard] Visit's overl
丽塔 不管你做什么 坚持画画 好吗？ And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay?
好运 乔 Good luck, Joe.
[Groans]
好的 已经倒下5个了 还剩最后一个 [Announcer] Okay, that's five down and one more to go.
你准备好跟怪物卡车的殊死搏斗了吗？ Are you ready for a monster-truck duel to the death?
为吉他军团欢呼！ Yeahl Let's give it up for the Guitar Army.
## [Rock]
好的 我们将继续进行 [Announcer] Okay, we're gonna do this shit.
但首先 请唱国歌 But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem...
由“喔！我的睾丸！”剧的巨星 荷美尔·查韦斯演唱！ the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel Chavezl
谢谢 谢谢 Thank you. Thank you.
嘿！过来！ - [Man] Heyl Come herel - ## [Singing Patriotic Song]
过来！ - Come here! - ## [Continues]
正中睾丸！ - [Groans] - [Announcer] Right in the ballsl
那坨屎在电视上就是这样子！ - [All Laughing] - That's just how that shit went on TV!
这次活动由“布兰多牌口渴终结者” 给您献上 [Announcer] This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.
当你杀了人后 - After you've killed someone... - [Knocking]
- 你的身体需要电解质 - 是的 - Your body needs electrolytes. - Yeah.
那么 我的车就停在前面 So, my car's out front...
只要你想我带你去 whenever you want me to take you...
时光机器那里 to the time machine.
谢谢了 弗里托 Thanks, Frito.
- 嗯 - 我听不见你！ - Yeah. - [Announcer] I can't hear youl
乔真是个失败者 哈？ That's a real bummer aboutJoe, huh?
- 我听不见你！ - 嗯 - [Announcer] I can't hear youl - Yeah.
啊 我可以把声音调大吗？ 我爱疗养节目 Ohl Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation.
好的 欢迎今晚的疗养官出场 [Announcer] Okay. Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight.
有着62次屠杀记录的 With a combined record of 62 kills...
驾驶着“假阴茎者”的文尼·玛旺巴！ please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the Dildozerl
和他的兄弟 驾驶着“臀部爆破者”的博比·玛旺巴！ And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blasterl
我也有辆卡车的 对吗？ I get a truck too, right?
是啊 来了 Yeah. Here it comes.
[Engine Sputtering]
[Guards Chuckling]
进去 Get in.
锁链还锁着呢 You still got the chain attached.
- 门关不上 - 锁链怎么办？ - [Guard] Door won't shut. - What about the chain?
- 我们可以打开它 - 不 他会逃了的 - We could break it. - No. He could escape.
- 我有个注意 我们把石头也放进去 - 是啊 那样行得通 - I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. - Yeah. That'll work.
- 现在谁聪明啊？ - 现在出场的是罪犯 - [Guard] Who's smart now? - [Announcer] Let's bring out our criminal.
他想把厕所里的水浇灌在庄稼上 以此来毁灭整个国家 He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops.
他使数百万的人失去了工作 He cost millions of people their jobs.
让我们开始疗养不确定！ Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Surel
[All Laughing]
怎么也想不到我是这样死的 Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die.
你们准备好“车上车”环节了吗？ [Announcer] Are you ready for some car-on-car action?
是的 Yes.
- 我看不下去 - 这个…… - I can't watch this. - This is...
这会很悲伤 但愿我不会哭 This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry.
该死！弗里托 过来！看！ Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look!
他是对的 水起作用了 He was right. The water... it worked.
弗里托 你能把我送到那里去吗？ Frito, can you get me over there?
好的 Yes.
不 你他妈的白痴 把我送到疗养场去 No, you fuckir moron. To the Rehabilitation place.
- 呃 这边走 - 好的！ - Uh, this way. - Yeah!
快啊 弗里托 抓紧！ Come on, Frito. Hurry!
现在出场的是大家期待已久的人物 [Announcer] And now the dude that everybody came here to see...
- 耶！ - 他是历史上唯一未尝败绩的人 - Yeah! - The only undefeated officer ever in history...
复出就是为了教训不确定 coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass...
他驾驶着史上最巨大的终极版车辆 driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history...
比“假阴茎者”和“臀部爆破者”都要大 bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster...
比史上的任何车辆都要大！ bigger and huger than everything ever before in history...
崭新的“臀部推土者”！ the brand-new Assdozerl
为超强比夫欢呼！ - Give it up for Beef Supremel - ## [Rock]
啊！ Oh!
啊 该死 我想那太大了 哈？ [Announcer] Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?
看起来是有点实验性 We seem to be "experimenting"...
有点技术性的差异 some "techmological" differences...
那么 呃 该死 so, uh, shit.
弗里托 看！ Frito, look!
到处都起作用了！ - It's working everywhere! - Huh.
唔 该死 那是一大堆石头 [Announcer] Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.
- 这让我有点想起一次我…… - 伙计 - Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was... - Man.
- 嘿！ - 啊 啊 好的 - Hey! - Oh, oh, okay.
- 节目快开始！ - 虽然没有了超强比夫 我们还要继续 - Get this shit started! - We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.
疗养开始！ Let the rehabilitation beginl
啊 该死 - [Engine Stalls] - Oh, shit.
快啊 快啊 - Come on. Come on. - [Engine Cranking]
快点 弗里托 抓紧！ [Rita] Come on, Frito. Hurryl
啊！ - Oh! - [Engine Starts]
天杀的！ Goddamn it.
- 耶！ - 上帝 太险了 - Yeah! - Jesus, that was close.
总统先生！总统先生！我要跟您讲话 Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you.
你要停止这一切 关于水的事情他是对的 You gotta stop this thing. He was right about the water.
我们在来的路上遇到了不少庄稼 它们正在生长 We passed some crops on the way here. They're growing.
我根本没看见！ I didn't see no crops.
他们在绕圈 [Announcer] They're circling around.
他们要把他碾碎！ They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on himl
- 这是个违规动作 哈？不要告诉别人哦 - 啊！ - This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody. - Oh!
那 呃 胜者是 呃…… [Announcer] So, uh... So the winner is, uh...
- 这不是真的 - 他赢了吗？ - [Announcer] You gotta be shittirme. - Did he win?
看 Uh-oh. Look.
该死的！是超强比夫！ [Announcer] Holy shitl It's Beef Supremel
##[Rock]
是超强比夫！耶！耶！ [Announcer] Beef Supremel Yeahl Yeahl
嘿 弗里托 弗里托 还记得我们在路上看到的庄稼吗？ Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road...
- 就在星巴克旁？ - 嗯 - right by the Starbucks? - Uh-huh.
- 嘿 想要点外快吗？ - 我喜欢钱 - Hey. Wanna make some money? - I like money.
嘿 呃 主屏幕坏了 Hey, um, the, uh... the main screen is malfunctioning...
他们要你现在就出去 and they gonna need you outside immediately.
走廊上有一大堆妓女 There's a bunch of whores in the hallway.
加油 弗里托 快点 Come on, Frito. Hurry.
不敢相信你也喜欢钱 Can't believe you like money too.
- 我们该去找点乐子 - 完全同意 - We should hang out. - Totally.
他在车后面！ [Announcer] He's behind the truckl
是的！是的！ - Yes! Yes! - [Mouthing Words]
- 他在那他妈的车后面！ - 他在那里！ - He's behind the fucking truck! - He's over there!
车后面 蠢货！ [Announcer] Behind the truck, stupidl
看！ Look!
男士拿铁咖啡打五折 （加了牛奶的咖啡）
该死 很划算的 Shit. That's a good deal.
- 更多的泡沫 - 我也有一大堆钱 - [Frito] Extra foam. - I got a bunch of money too.
- 忘记哪来的了 - 哈 - Forgot what it was for. - Huh.
- 你觉得是用来喝拿铁的吗？ - 是吧 应该是 - You think it was for lattes? - Yeah. Probably.
- 你喜欢钱和性？你让我觉得很怪 - 这他妈是什么？ - [Frito] You like money and sex? You're trippirme out. - What the fuck?
- Yeah! - Yeah!
停一下 好吗？大家都冷静点 好吗？ - Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay? - [Crowd Booing]
在这里我可以说些话吗？ Can I just say something here?
我甚至都不知道我犯了什么罪 I don't even know what I'm guilty of here.
我从没说过我是地球上最聪明的人 是你们说的 I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did.
我不知道你们会失去工作和钱 I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money...
关于发生的那一切 我很抱歉 and I'm very sorry that that happened.
但是 我要告诉你们的是 But I'm telliryou...
如果你给庄稼浇灌水的话 那可能…… if you put water on the crops, it might actually...
不 是肯定有效的 我保证！ No, it will work. I promise you!
你们应该相信我 我只是想帮帮你们 就这样而已 You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all.
所以如果你们想枪毙我 想碾死我的话 尽管来吧 So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever.
但是 我只想要你们问自身一个问题 But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first.
你真的想生活在一个 Do you really want to live in a world...
要杀死想帮助你的人的世界吗？ where you try to blow up the one person that's tryir to help you?
[All Laughing]
停下 停下来 Hold on. Just hold on.
[Indistinct]
啊 伙计 那真棒 Oh, man. That was great.
嘿 我们进去的时候我穿着裤子吗？ Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there?
该死 我看起来像什么？ 偷裤子的小妖精？ Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin?
等下 这提醒了我某些事情 （周一晚疗养节目官方指定饮料） Wait. This reminds me of something.
呃 疗养…… Uh, "Rehabil... Rehabilate...
- 疗养 - 你为什么一直读那个词？ - Rehabilation." - Why do you keep trying to read that word?
- 你是个同性恋？ - 我操你的脸！ - You a fag? - I'll fag your face!
- 快啊 弗里托 - 啊 我可不这么想 - Come on, Frito. - Yeah. I don't think so.
啊 耶 Oh, yeah.
这个家伙得到了他的特赦！ This guy just got his ass a pardon!
[All Cheering]
耶！ [Laughing] Yeah!
##[Rock]
丽塔 我不知道该说什么好 Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say.
你救了我命 以前从未有人那样对我 You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me.
是啊 唔…… Yeah, well...
你一直都在为整个世界操心 you were looking out for the whole world so, you know...
- 我想应该有个人为你操心 - 谢谢 - I thought someone should look out for you too. - Thanks.
这么说我自己都不会相信 I can't believe I'm even saying this, but...
即使这些人曾想杀了我 even though these people tried to kill me...
- 我想我还是会有点想他们的 - 是啊 - you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. - Yeah.
弗里托要把我们送回时光机器那里去 Frito... he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine.
我只是 呃……但愿他能开车 I just, uh... I hope he's okay to drive.
就是你 啊 伙计 我真的很喜欢你的表演 It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show.
非常感谢 Thank you so much.
- 呃 乔 我不走了 - 什么？ - Uh, Joe, I'm not going. - What?
过去我有很多恶习 我不想重蹈覆辙 I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again.
是时候该我重新开始了 Maybe it's time I got a new start.
此外 他们给我提供了份星巴克的美差 Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here.
- 我要成为首席执行官了 - 在星巴克？ - I'm gonna be a C.E.O. - At Starbucks?
- 是啊 - 你还会画画的 对吗？ - Yeah. - Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?
嗯 肯定的 Yeah. Sure.
我想该说再见了 I guess this is good-bye then.
嘿 嘿 嘿 嘿！ [Camacho] Hey, hey, hey, heyl
我要颁布一些总统令！ I got a couple presidential decrees to make!
不确定 不管你在哪里 过来！ Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is.
[Crowd Cheering]
让我能摸到你的小花生头 Let me get that little peanut head up here.
Yo. Yo. [Laughs]
我刚刚决定 I have decided...
让这个人 to make this man...
这个解决了我们问题的人 the man who solved all our problems...
我刚刚决定让这个人 I have decided to make him...
担任我的新副总统 my new vice president.
[All Cheering]
总统先生 谢谢 你真是太酷了 Mr. President, thanks. That's real cool of you, sir...
- 但是我不能答应 先生 - 什么？为什么？ - but I can't accept it, sir. - What? Why?
- 你知道的 我要回家了 - 但是我们这里还有很多问题 - You know, I gotta get home. - But we still got all these problems.
听着 你们应该自己解决这些问题 Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves.
- 怎么办？ - 动脑子啊？ - How? - Think about it, you know?
就想我们解决庄稼问题一样 You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops.
但是我们怎么解决 废物 急救和经济问题？ But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches"and the "comony"?
还有在佛罗里达州的核反应堆问题？ And what about the nuc... "nucular"reactor in Florida?
已经破损并开始泄漏 事情变严重了 It's broke and leaky and something's happening.
- 我想是在乔治亚州 - 乔治亚属于佛罗里拉州 蠢货 - I thought it was in Georgia. - Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.
嘿 嘿 我知道了 让我们把厕所的水倒进去 哈？ Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?
- 对！ - 不错 不错 好主意 - Yeah! - Good, good. That's a good idea.
- 就跟我们处理庄稼一样 - 别这样 伙计 - [Minister of Defense] Like we did on the crops. - Come on, vato.
嘿 你不能离开的 Hey, you can't leave.
别在意那些 “带头 跟随 退出“的事情 哈？ Whatever happened to all that " lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh?
我想我不能就这样退出 我能吗？你们知道吗？ I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what?
- 忘了那时光机器吧 - 耶！ - Forget about the time machine. - Yeah!
[All Cheering]
那个骑起来逊极了 That ride sucks anyways.
骑？ Ride?
欢迎乘坐时光机器 [Male Voice] Welcome to the Time Masheen.
我们将带你回到过去 首先来到1939年 We are going to take you back, first to the year 1939...
查理·卓别林和他邪恶的纳粹政权 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime...
奴役了整个欧洲 并试图占领世界 enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world.
你所知道的就是骑着这东西回到过去？ So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time?
是啊 你不会真以为你能穿越时空吧？ Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh?
- 是啊 我是那样想的 - 是啊 - Yeah, I guess I did. - Yeah.
作为世界上最聪明的人 你有的时候真是蠢得要死 For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes.
- 那你为什么不告诉我们？ - 因为我喜欢钱 对不起 - So why didn't you tell us? - 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.
但是这不是真的时光机器 那也就没有钱了 But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money.
我不能回到过去去开个储蓄帐号 You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account.
呃 呃 呃…… Uh, uh, uh...
嗯 别担心 没关系的 Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay.
唔 我想我们只能呆在这里了 Well, I guess we're stuck here.
但是一股更强大的力量 “联合国”形成 [Male Voice] But then an even greater force emerged... the "UN."
联合国非纳粹式地永远统治了世界 And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever. And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever.
之后 在担任了副总统一段时间后 [Narrator] And so, after serving a short term as vice president...
乔当选为美国总统 joe was elected the president of America.
弗里托成为了副总统 Frito became vice president...
丽塔 曾经的妓女 成为了第一夫人 and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady.
今天我踏着一位伟人的足迹 Today I step into the shoes of a great man...
他的名字是德维安·埃利桑多·蒙多 赫伯特·卡马乔 a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo... Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.
在总统不确定的领导下 人类历史翻开了新的一页 [Narrator] Under Rresident Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned.
以前在这个国家 You know, there was a time in this country...
聪明的人被认为很酷 when smart people were considered cool.
唔 也许不是酷 但是聪明的人 Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things...
能造轮船和金字塔这样的东西 他们甚至还能登上月球 like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon.
耶！ [Man] Yeah!
很久以前 在这个国家 And there was a time in this country, a long time ago...
读书不只是为了工作 when reading wasrt just for fags...
也不是为了写字 and neither was writing.
人们写书 拍有故事情节的电影 Reople wrote books and movies, movies that had stories...
你会在意是谁的屁股 为什么在放屁 so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting.
我确信那个时代会重现的！ And I believe that time can come again!
[All Cheering]
不确定 不确定 不确定！ [All Chanting] Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!
乔和丽塔有三个孩子 [Narrator] Joe and Rita had three children...
三个世界上最聪明的小孩 the three smartest kids in the world.
副总统弗里托取了8位妻子 Vice Rresident Frito took eight wives...
生了共32个小孩 and had a total of 32 kids...
32个地球上最蠢的孩子 thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth.
好吧 也许乔没能拯救人类 Okay, so maybeJoe didn't save mankind...
但他让球滚了起来 but he got the ball rolling...
那对一个平庸的人来说足够好了 and that's pretty good for an average guy.